Tales of Symphonia Cut Scenes
by Lunar Kestrel
Summary: A collection of crackfics. It's the dump for the fics with my... strange sense of humor in them. Warning: All are random and may have suggestion. Rated T for safety. Chapter four! Part two of Some Cross Dressers and Poker.
1. As an Angel Loses Its Wings

**As an Angel Loses Its Wings...**

**Crack fic two! That means that I've been having more brain farts than ever! Joyous rapture! Okay, this is Christmas themed, and takes place before the Tower of Salvation. Still, there are spoilers from after that. Be warned. There's nothing too bad here. It was inspired by a two panel comic I just did, which means it will be very short. Enjoy!**

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"Tomorrow's Christmas!!! Woo!" Lloyd jumped around all over the inn room. Colette smiled at him. She and Genis were hanging ornaments on the inn's tree. They had volunteered to decorate the tree the Asgard inn had gotten for the holidays, seeing as they were the only guests.

Meanwhile, Raine was experimenting with her cooking. Kratos was in the room covering his ears from all the noise… coughLloydcough

So, there was one thing left…the angel at the top of the tree.

Lloyd took a deep breath, "KRATOS!" The mercenary in response walked down the stairs slowly.

"What do you want Lloyd?" Kratos rubbed his temples.

"You're the tallest, so you'll put the angel on the top of the tree," Lloyd pointed to the little angel.

"Fine," growled Kratos, snatching the angel from the other swordsman's hand. Of course, no one thought of A. sticking Colette on top of the tree, or B. getting her to fly up there and place it on the top. But then again, it's Lloyd.

Kratos, angel in hand, reached up, but could not reach the top. He got on tip toes, and reached out, again falling short.

"Damn, Damn, Damn," Kratos muttered, dropping the angel to the floor. Colette saw him struggle, and went off in some direction, screaming something about ladders.

Lloyd was also watching, and listening, and he gasped, "Kratos! Don't you know that every time you curse, an angel loses its wings?!" (…ignoring the fact that Lloyd curses, too.)

Kratos stared at him blankly. He remembered earlier, when his wings had suddenly fell off at the same time Raine had cursed at a failed cooking attempt. He gulped, barely whispering, "So that's where they went…" It had happened some times before, but they always came back. "I'm going to the room," Kratos muttered weakly.

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Up in Derris-Kharlan, Yggdrasill was on his knees, head up, arms extended to the heavens above, screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" At that moment, Yuan walked in, and immediately covered his ears.

"Lord Yggdrasill…LORD YGGDRASILL!!!" Said Yggie was still unresponsive. Just then, Yuan noticed some rainbow things on the ground. He gasped, seeing as they were wings, in full form on the ground.

Yuan, as if in a trance, pulled out his wings, and watched as they fluttered to the ground. He walked over next to Yggdrasill, got down on his knees, raised his arms and head, and started to scream, all the while, Yggdrasill was screaming, himself. It was a Grand Chorus of No.

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Somewhere else on Planet Angel, Remiel was brushing his hair, humming a happy tune. Suddenly, his bird-like wings fell off, twitching on the ground. Remiel fainted.

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That day, three angels had lost their wings, all because of three words uttered by Kratos.

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**How was it? It was just some random idea, so don't blame me. This _is_ a collection of spoofs. So, yeah. Review?**


	2. Some Cross Dresses and Poker: Part One

**Some Cross Dressers and Poker: Part One**

**Hey, inspiration for other fics has left me, while inspiration anew arises for this chapter of TCSTWNS. Wow, that's long… Uh, this one is actually pre-game. So, I lied. And Kratos isn't as stoic, grumpy, cold, yadda, yadda, as usual. That means he'll be slightly OOC. This one will come in two parts, kay?**

**Eh, well, enjoy.**

**Disclaimer- I do NOT, I repeat, do NOT own ToS or its characters.**

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"Bye, boys, I'm off!" Martel waved at her companions, a pouch in her hand and a grin on her face.

"Goodbye," they all said in unison. With that, Martel turned out the door, letting it close by itself.

Yuan looked up from the book he was reading, staring at the two other males in the room. Kratos was solving a puzzle cube, while Mithos was looking through a clothes catalog. "Do you ever wonder…" he muttered.

Mithos looked up, "Wonder what, Yuan?"

"Well, Martel goes out every night with money - I know it's ours, because every morning, I find my funds a little… lacking – and I wanna know what exactly what she does. What if she saves the cities by night, giving money to the poor and sometimes stealing from the rich, or what if she buys watermelons just to smash them with giant mallets, or what if she's…? OH MY BEJEEZLES! WHAT IF SHE'S CHEATING ON ME?!!" Yuan started hyperventilating and twitching.

Kratos smacked the blue-haired elf across the face, "Clam down Yuan! Martel isn't one to cheat."

"Thanks Krato-"

Kratos quickly added, "…or is she?" He smiled mischievously.

"Kratos!" Yuan wailed. Mithos snickered.

"Hey guys, I have an idea!" This caused both to look at the blonde questioningly.

Kratos raised and eyebrow, "Oh? Enlighten us."

"Well…" both leaned closer to Mithos. "Hey, hey! Back up! Personal space! Eh, okay, tomorrow night, we follow Martel to wherever she goes, and spy on her!" Mithos put his hand in the middle of them all, "So who's with me?"

"Eh, works for me," Yuan placed his hand on Mithos'.

"Ditto," Kratos did the same.

The rest of the night was spent plotting the stalking and spying on Martel. (**A/N: When you say it like that, it sounds like they're three perverts trying to get one woman. Yay.**)

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"G'bye, boys, time to go again!" Martel waved, grinning, pouch in hand. Wow, déjà vu.

"Goodbye Martel!" Yuan, Kratos and Mithos all had different things on their mind.

Yuan: _Ooohh, what's he like? Does he have prettier hair than mine? _What's_ he got that I don't? Hm?!_

Kratos:_ I wonder what you've been doing. I hope you don't break Yuan's heart. Heh. Actually, I'd like to see that…_

Mithos: _Mwahahahahah! Martel, I shall find out what you are doing. Mweheheheh… _

"Uh, yeah. Bye… and could you guys stop staring at me like that, it's creepy," Martel turned to leave when all the males looked away.

She wasn't gone for a minute when Mithos cried, "Operation: Follow Martel and See What She's Been Doing Every Night, commenced! Move out, boys!"

Yuan stared at Mithos, "Let's just follow her."

"We can do that, too!" Mithos pumped his fist in the air.

Kratos smacked his forehead, "Let's get going or we'll lose her."

"Right!" the half-elves yelled in unison.

The three headed out the door, tracking down Martel from her footprints in the dirt.

When they found her, she was still walking. They all quickly hid behind separate bushes.

"There she is!" Mithos whispered to his partners in stalking-ness.

"We know! We can see, too!" Yuan hissed over to the boy.

Martel looked back, and the three quickly ducked. They heard her footsteps again, growing farther away.

Kratos glared at the two others, "Shut up both of you, or she'll find us!" They both hung their heads.

They continued to follow Martel until she stopped by a large building with no windows and one door. She started to chat with a half-elf woman by the door. The woman opened the door and let her in.

Kratos, Yuan, and Mithos walked over to the woman. She looked very fierce, and very strong.

Mithos was the first to talk. "Um, can we get in?" he stammered.

The woman laughed, "Of course not! A: You are too young, shrimp, and B: NO MEN ALLOWED!" She shoved them all to the ground. They took that as a sign to run. They faintly heard the woman yell from behind them, "Perverts!"

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When they arrived at the inn room again, panting.

"Okay, so that's something weird. 'Perverts'? I resent that!" Mithos wiped his forehead. "And I am not a shrimp!" he fumed.

Kratos rubbed his chin in thought, "Hm, a club where there are no men allowed, and men are considered perverts to go there…"

"W-what if Martel was hired to be a pole dancer for a Yuri club?!" All of them shivered at Yuan's words.

"Of course not! Martel wouldn't… would she?" Mithos looked horrified.

"Do those even exist?" Kratos rubbed his temples.

"Of course they do! I read it in Transvestite's Week- _cough_ I mean, I've heard they do exist," Mithos looked away, blushing.

Kratos and Yuan stared at him.

"Uh, right. Well we need to think of something else to get in," Kratos sighed.

"I think I have an idea," Yuan declared.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh! What is it Yuan?" Mithos jumped up and down.

"Well…" Yuan started.

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**I bet you all hate me! Well, you'll have to wait till I decide to update again! Mwhahahaha!**

**R&R, please!**


	3. Some Cross Dressers and Poker: Part Two

**Some Cross Dressers and Poker: Part Two**

**Time for SCDP Part two! Yesh! Find out what the new plan is.**

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Recap!**

"_I think I have an idea," Yuan declared._

"_Ooh, ooh, ooh! What is it Yuan?" Mithos jumped up and down._

"_Well…" Yuan started._

End Recap!

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A minute passed.

"'Well' what?" Kratos smacked Yuan's head.

"Ow! Ooh, sorry there, I just spaced for a moment. Well, we should dress up as women and sneak in there!"

"Are you crazy?!" Kratos kicked Yuan's face. "I will not degrade myself by cross dressing!"

Mithos shrugged, "I dunno, it sounds like a good idea. And besides, it might be fun!" He then poked Yuan, who was still on the ground from Kratos' kick.

"Just because you weren't happy with being born a male, doesn't mean I feel the same way," Kratos huffed.

"But Kratos," the half-elves whined.

Yuan stepped up, "Don't you wanna know what Martel does?"

"…" Kratos thought for a moment. "Ugh, fine, but I refuse to wear a dress," Kratos crossed his arms.

"Then let's get to work!" Mithos jumped up, running to the bathroom.

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The men were all gathered in the bathroom. Kratos was visibly nervous, as was Yuan. Mithos was… well, Mithos.

"First, hair!" Mithos pulled out a brush and some scissors.

"No cutting!" Yuan and Kratos grabbed for the scissors at once.

"But we have to stay disguised!"

"Still, wouldn't Martel notice us having the exact haircuts as the new "girls"?"

"Fine, but we still need gel," he whipped out a bottle with a malevolent look on his face. The others gulped.

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Everything was completed.

Kratos had most of his hair pulled back into a ponytail with his bangs still over his face. Plus, it was a tad lighter, with the help of some tomato juice. The makeup he had on made him look like a young and beautiful woman. He had some sunglasses, to add to the look. He wore a long sleeve black shirt, covered by a lavender spaghetti strap tank top. His hands were covered by black gloves. He also had on a purple thigh-high skirt. On his feet were black knee-high boots.

"I thought I said no dresses!" Kratos grunted.

"It's a skirt, first. Second, it's the only thing that would fit you," Mithos retorted. Kratos sighed.

Next-Yuan. His hair was completely down, and covered by soot from the fireplace, so it looked black as night. He had to brush his bangs back, so his whole face was revealed. He, too, wore makeup. He was wearing pale red (almost pink) long sleeve shirt. He had grey, baggy pants that went past his knees, and then boots that were black and much big for him. He had a white shawl off his shoulders that was lined with yellow.

Mithos had his hair in a bun. He had no makeup, since he looked girly enough. He had a green tank top on and elbow-high white gloves. He had a long black skirt with white boots. He still had his purple bangles on, though.

Mithos inspected his two companions, "Hmm, nice! Except, Yuan, your sense of fashion is terrible... Well, I think we're ready to…" He looked at the others again, "You guys are flat!!"

"Yes, so?" Yuan growled.

"You. Guys. Need. BREASTS! No girl your ages would have figures like that. Nope, way too flat. Also, you need hips. See, I' m fine since I'm this young. Go find stuffing or something! Now!" Kratos and Yuan ran away from Mithos to do what he said, blushing a bit.

When they returned, they looked like regular women.

"Time for Plan B of Operation: FMSWSBDEN!" Mithos cried. The newly made women were ready to take on their challenge of posing as girls. What a show this would be.

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The three shuffled along the path slowly. Who knows what could happen?

They approached the woman-guard-person carefully.

"U-um, w-we are new h-here and heard this w-was a fun place t-to h-hang out," Yuan choked out, scared of the burly woman, who could probably kill them. He didn't have to pretend to make his voice high, it rose enough. Kratos elbowed him in the ribs.

"Stop being such a baby! Leave this to us!" He hissed near-silently. Yuan nodded.

By 'us', Kratos meant Mithos. He didn't want to talk to the woman, either.

The woman laughed, "Sure, girls! You'll have a blast!" The woman opened the door, gesturing inward. They walked in triumphantly. Everything was going according to plan!

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"Royal Flush!" That was the first thing the men heard as they entered, along with the groans of a few girls.

The room was bright, and in the middle of it, sitting there were about six girls. They were playing poker. Some would think, 'Poker? Pfft!' Oh sure, but all the girls were half naked. Yes, it was strip poker.

"Oh, hey! Are you guys new girls?" One girl piped up. She was a human, wearing only a shirt.

"I think so," an elf with only her underclothes on. "C'mon and join us!"

Martel smiled, "Don't be shy."

Kratos stuttered, "I-uh we- um Y-you…" he began to blush furiously and he turned around.

"S-strip poker?!" Mithos' eyes were wide, face red.

Yuan was gaping at Martel, "Oh...My…" He, too, turned beet red.

"Are you okay?" one half-elf asked.

"F-fine!" Yuan squeaked.

"Shall we leave?" Kratos asked near-silently, gulping.

"Y-yes, let's," Mithos stammered.

With that, the three men walked out, the women behind them staring questioningly at them.

As they walked out, they heard Martel say, "Eh, their loss."

They nearly made it without incident until…

"Leaving already? It's not your thing, eh?" The woman-guard asked.

"N-no!" Kratos said quickly, not turning around. The three started walking faster, reaching the inn in seconds flat.

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Kratos was still in the bathroom after an hour cleaning his hair out.

"So Yuan, what do you think. I think you like it."

"W-what, Mithos? I don't know what you're talking about!" Yuan claimed.

"Y'know, all those girls were half-naked… hey wait! You were undressing Martel in your mind, weren't you?!" Mithos was extremely close to strangling Yuan, when Kratos came out into the room, whimpering.

"What's your problem?" Yuan asked.

"The tomato juice, it's still in there!" Kratos pointed to his only slightly lightly hair.

Mithos squinted, "I don't… no, wait, I see it! Don't whine it's not that bad."

"Yup," Yuan nodded in agreement.

Just then, Martel walked in the door with a bulging bag in her hands.

"Oh! You boys are awake! We're going shopping tomorrow!" She held up the bag.

Mithos cheered, but Yuan and Kratos groaned.

"Don't be babies, Mithos has the right spirit! C'mon! Wait… Kratos is your hair lighter?"

The men looked around shiftily. Kratos answered, "Um, no?"

"Ah well. Y'know, you guys should come to these poker games, you'd have a blast!" Martel winked, grinning.

"Right, um, we're just gonna go to bed now… yeah…" Yuan coughed, staring at Martel intently.

As they walked to their rooms, Mithos elbowed Yuan in the stomach. "You were doing it again, weren't you?!" he hissed.

"No…"

"Liar!" Mithos pounced on Yuan right then. As they fought, Kratos walked off, sighing and a hand on his hair. Poor, poor auburn locks.

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**Done! Yes, I got inspiration to finish this once after finishing the sixth chapter of An Angel's Wings. The next oneshot will probably be related to Remiel.**


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